Advice from Edward: Change and College Pressure

Dear Edward,

A while ago I was thinking about change, though, and how everything is constantly changing and I know that we have to adapt to it, but I'm just afraid that I'll change into somebody that I don't want to be.

Also, I have been forced to think about the future a lot and college and everything, and school is becoming different because now more and more people around me seem to be thinking about college, and it's just a little scary. Especially since there is still a lot of time before we even begin the college guidance process.

-A Pensive Sophomore

Dear PS,

The most famous quote about change is from the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, who said, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” There’s no stopping the passage of time and we constantly change. I was a different teacher with you than I was with the students I had before you. Of course, I’m a different now, having moved away from George School, than I was last year. Yet somehow I’m still the same person, much like the river is somehow still the same river, even if different water is constantly flowing in.

How can you be sure you change into someone you’re happy with? It may sound simple, but do what you think is right, always. I think you have an internal sense of what is right and wrong and what type of person you want to be. Follow that. If it helps, write it down. Recently, I sat down and articulated my long-range professional, educational, interpersonal, physical, and spiritual goals and then determined what short term things I would do to work towards them. When I felt lost, I can refer to it and find my bearings again. But again, the main point is: do what you think is right, always.

Yes, I think the generalized anxiety about college is one of the worst aspects of a, ahem, college prep school. I think worries about grades and SAT scores destroy the joy of learning and unfortunately, its seeping down from senior year to junior year and now to sophomore year. That sucks. That’s what I liked about teaching freshmen: the learning was still (mostly) about learning. Psychologists describe it as task-orientation, as opposed to goal-orientation. They found that people enjoy themselves much more if they absorb themselves in the process of doing something as opposed to thinking about what they’ll get out of it. In short, fun is the “doing” of something, not what you get out of it (the tired cliché is that it’s the journey, not the destination). I mean, if going to high school is all about getting to college, what’s college all about? Getting a good job or getting into grad school? And then what’s that about? Being “successful in life”? “Life” is the present, not the future. Why not just enjoy high school, in and of itself? Of course, that’s easy to say and at an elite private school harder to do. The achievement-centered future orientation is always around you. All you can do is be conscious of the external pressures of that environment and try to find friends, mentors and internal places that help you stay interested in learning and in life, as you’re currently experiencing it.

With love,
Edward

Advice from Edward: Today's Great Moral Issue?

dear edward,

as i'm procrastinating and not writing my english paper, B.
and i talked about the abolitionists of today.today in meeting a
teacher talked about how our generation has no real issues.  but
maybe we just don't see them.what do you think the great moral
issues are?  i think maybe sweatshops, maybe gay rights, maybe
poverty, maybe AIDS.  but i actually think women's rights are the
most important.  B. disagrees with me.  he thinks it's poverty
in third world countries.  but i think all of these things are completely
related to women's rights.  do you think AIDS would be as prevalent
if women has access to competent sexual healthcare?  do you think
poverty would be as prevalent if women could work outside the home?
i think that women's rights are often portrayed as "dumb" because
women are seen as equal now.  but in many parts of the world, they
aren't!  i still think that poverty and AIDS are really important, but
i think through women's rights effect them.

signed,
Procrastinating Purposefully


dear PP--

that's a tough question and i'm glad you're putting thought into it. and of course all these issues are connected, didn't your freshman history teacher teach you anything? ;)

i think your generation has plenty of issues left and it's hard to narrow it down to one. i hesitate to choose between women's rights around the world and global poverty; both exist under the umbrella of continuing injustice. instead, i find it helpful to distinguish inequality that i contribute to from inequality i don't directly cause. i think the issues that i should most be concerned about is the ones my actions cause or perpetuate. hence, i think most about my use of the world's limited resources, my global footprint. if i'm consuming 25 times more than the average indian and 100 times more than the average kenyan (approximate numbers), is that right? how can i share the earth's resources more equally? should i consume so much and so needlessly when others have so little? does the way the goods i consume are produced hurt others? i think my moral responsibility lies here before fixing other injustices that i'm less connected to, like the genocide in Sudan, but i'm willing to be convinced otherwise.

it's also good to be mindful of how we may have advantages that others don't have. if students getting at $33,000+ a year high school education don't think there are still issues, they should learn a little about how other kids are taught. many people call america's school system "educational apartheid". (click for link)

but if you and B. want to do something that helps out BOTH women's rights and poverty, check out kiva.org. (click for link) you can make a loan to a woman that will allow her to work herself out of poverty and empower her also. i encourage you to think about making as small as a $25 loan. of all things, there's actually no cost to you; you get your money back with interest. programs like kiva.org that lend startup capital and teach entreprenuerial skills to impoverished women, if done large scale, would radically advance the cause of human rights around the world.

with love,
edward

Advice from Edward: A Good Man is Hard to Find

"Dear Edward,
How do I find a guy that's good to me, but not so good that it's annoying, and good enough that he's not just a friend. Is there even such a man out there?
Signed,
Lost and Distraught Heart"


I’m sorry that you’re feeling lonely, LDH. You’ve asked a question that people have been asking for hundreds of years and what a lot of great literature is based on. Find Jane Austen in the library and see what I mean.

Finding someone good for you and somehow contriving to stay with him isn’t easy. But nothing in life matches the moment you're told from someone you love that he loves you. The pursuit of it will likely absorb your time and attention for many years to come. Here are a few guidelines:

First, shape people’s behavior towards you. In life, we teach people how to treat us. Think about this way, adults give the most responsibility to those students who act most responsibly. They pick juniors who already act like leaders to be senior leaders. If you look at it in reverse, students have shaped adults’ behavior to them by acting the way they want to be treated. The same works with relationships. If you behave like a fun and caring, passionate and clever girl, boys who are attracted to that will want to be with you. My observation is you do a good job of that already.

Second, stay optimistic. Dating can be hard and often it’s no fun when someone you want doesn’t want you or when you can’t find anyone to want. Even when all evidence points to the contrary or when you don't feel like it, stay optimistic. You are far more likely to find someone great that way. Boys can smell desperation from a mile away and will either run away from or take advantage of it.

Beyond that, you can’t “find” anyone. That’s the magic of romance, you can do all you can to be attractive, but it still takes another heart out there willing to take you in. That lack of control over such an important part of our lives is what makes dating so hard at times and what makes finding someone special so special. When you find him, I’ll be so very happy for you.

And you’re right: boys that are too good are annoying. They’re a little boring and it all seems so … inauthentic. So look for boys that are good but have a little mischievous streak in them. Flirt a little and have fun. But remember you learned in Health!

With love,
Edward

Essay From Edward: The Three Things You Must Do in Life

You must do three things in your life: fail a class, get your heart broken and get fired from a job.

You’ll learn that you survive failure. There’s a taboo against failure in our high-stakes society, a tendency to think of it as unacceptable and ruinous. But that’s why failing a class, getting your heart broken and getting fired from a job is so important. These events are incredibly painful, especially when we really wanted to succeed. They make you feel that YOU are a failure, not that you failed at SOMETHING. Afterwards you’ll realize that you’re still there, still OK, even with that F, even without that boy or girl, even without that job. But you won’t really know that until after you experience it.

You’ll begin to choose more wisely. From a very young age, you’re told by well-meaning parents that you can do whatever you want, if only you put your mind to it. That’s a crock. Most lawyers I know would have failed as doctors, even if they had “put their mind to it.” Most actors I know would have been terrible engineers and vice versa. We all have gifts and discovering where our gifts lay is part of our life’s work. Failing a class, getting your heart broken, or getting fired from a job means something about the situation was wrong. Even if we don’t want to admit it, we weren’t in the right place. Failure digs us out of our complacency and compels us to move towards our right place.

No one wants to experience those things, but to fear them may be worse. If you were successful all the time, what would you have learned about yourself? If you never took risks and only did things you were good at, what would you know how to do? Think of failure is part of your life’s work and learn from it. And for the folk curious about Edward Hicks, yes I've experienced two of the three.