Dear Edward,
A while ago I was thinking about change, though, and how everything is constantly changing and I know that we have to adapt to it, but I'm just afraid that I'll change into somebody that I don't want to be.
Also, I have been forced to think about the future a lot and college and everything, and school is becoming different because now more and more people around me seem to be thinking about college, and it's just a little scary. Especially since there is still a lot of time before we even begin the college guidance process.
-A Pensive Sophomore
Dear PS,
The most famous quote about change is from the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, who said, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” There’s no stopping the passage of time and we constantly change. I was a different teacher with you than I was with the students I had before you. Of course, I’m a different now, having moved away from George School, than I was last year. Yet somehow I’m still the same person, much like the river is somehow still the same river, even if different water is constantly flowing in.
How can you be sure you change into someone you’re happy with? It may sound simple, but do what you think is right, always. I think you have an internal sense of what is right and wrong and what type of person you want to be. Follow that. If it helps, write it down. Recently, I sat down and articulated my long-range professional, educational, interpersonal, physical, and spiritual goals and then determined what short term things I would do to work towards them. When I felt lost, I can refer to it and find my bearings again. But again, the main point is: do what you think is right, always.
Yes, I think the generalized anxiety about college is one of the worst aspects of a, ahem, college prep school. I think worries about grades and SAT scores destroy the joy of learning and unfortunately, its seeping down from senior year to junior year and now to sophomore year. That sucks. That’s what I liked about teaching freshmen: the learning was still (mostly) about learning. Psychologists describe it as task-orientation, as opposed to goal-orientation. They found that people enjoy themselves much more if they absorb themselves in the process of doing something as opposed to thinking about what they’ll get out of it. In short, fun is the “doing” of something, not what you get out of it (the tired cliché is that it’s the journey, not the destination). I mean, if going to high school is all about getting to college, what’s college all about? Getting a good job or getting into grad school? And then what’s that about? Being “successful in life”? “Life” is the present, not the future. Why not just enjoy high school, in and of itself? Of course, that’s easy to say and at an elite private school harder to do. The achievement-centered future orientation is always around you. All you can do is be conscious of the external pressures of that environment and try to find friends, mentors and internal places that help you stay interested in learning and in life, as you’re currently experiencing it.
With love,
Edward
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Advice from Edward: Today's Great Moral Issue?
dear edward,
Procrastinating Purposefully
dear PP--
that's a tough question and i'm glad you're putting thought into it. and of course all these issues are connected, didn't your freshman history teacher teach you anything? ;)
i think your generation has plenty of issues left and it's hard to narrow it down to one. i hesitate to choose between women's rights around the world and global poverty; both exist under the umbrella of continuing injustice. instead, i find it helpful to distinguish inequality that i contribute to from inequality i don't directly cause. i think the issues that i should most be concerned about is the ones my actions cause or perpetuate. hence, i think most about my use of the world's limited resources, my global footprint. if i'm consuming 25 times more than the average indian and 100 times more than the average kenyan (approximate numbers), is that right? how can i share the earth's resources more equally? should i consume so much and so needlessly when others have so little? does the way the goods i consume are produced hurt others? i think my moral responsibility lies here before fixing other injustices that i'm less connected to, like the genocide in Sudan, but i'm willing to be convinced otherwise.
it's also good to be mindful of how we may have advantages that others don't have. if students getting at $33,000+ a year high school education don't think there are still issues, they should learn a little about how other kids are taught. many people call america's school system "educational apartheid". (click for link)
but if you and B. want to do something that helps out BOTH women's rights and poverty, check out kiva.org. (click for link) you can make a loan to a woman that will allow her to work herself out of poverty and empower her also. i encourage you to think about making as small as a $25 loan. of all things, there's actually no cost to you; you get your money back with interest. programs like kiva.org that lend startup capital and teach entreprenuerial skills to impoverished women, if done large scale, would radically advance the cause of human rights around the world.
with love,
edward
as i'm procrastinating and not writing my english paper, B.signed,
and i talked about the abolitionists of today.today in meeting a
teacher talked about how our generation has no real issues. but
maybe we just don't see them.what do you think the great moral
issues are? i think maybe sweatshops, maybe gay rights, maybe
poverty, maybe AIDS. but i actually think women's rights are the
most important. B. disagrees with me. he thinks it's poverty
in third world countries. but i think all of these things are completely
related to women's rights. do you think AIDS would be as prevalent
if women has access to competent sexual healthcare? do you think
poverty would be as prevalent if women could work outside the home?
i think that women's rights are often portrayed as "dumb" because
women are seen as equal now. but in many parts of the world, they
aren't! i still think that poverty and AIDS are really important, but
i think through women's rights effect them.
Procrastinating Purposefully
dear PP--
that's a tough question and i'm glad you're putting thought into it. and of course all these issues are connected, didn't your freshman history teacher teach you anything? ;)
i think your generation has plenty of issues left and it's hard to narrow it down to one. i hesitate to choose between women's rights around the world and global poverty; both exist under the umbrella of continuing injustice. instead, i find it helpful to distinguish inequality that i contribute to from inequality i don't directly cause. i think the issues that i should most be concerned about is the ones my actions cause or perpetuate. hence, i think most about my use of the world's limited resources, my global footprint. if i'm consuming 25 times more than the average indian and 100 times more than the average kenyan (approximate numbers), is that right? how can i share the earth's resources more equally? should i consume so much and so needlessly when others have so little? does the way the goods i consume are produced hurt others? i think my moral responsibility lies here before fixing other injustices that i'm less connected to, like the genocide in Sudan, but i'm willing to be convinced otherwise.
it's also good to be mindful of how we may have advantages that others don't have. if students getting at $33,000+ a year high school education don't think there are still issues, they should learn a little about how other kids are taught. many people call america's school system "educational apartheid". (click for link)
but if you and B. want to do something that helps out BOTH women's rights and poverty, check out kiva.org. (click for link) you can make a loan to a woman that will allow her to work herself out of poverty and empower her also. i encourage you to think about making as small as a $25 loan. of all things, there's actually no cost to you; you get your money back with interest. programs like kiva.org that lend startup capital and teach entreprenuerial skills to impoverished women, if done large scale, would radically advance the cause of human rights around the world.
with love,
edward
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Advice from Edward: A Good Man is Hard to Find
"Dear Edward,
How do I find a guy that's good to me, but not so good that it's annoying, and good enough that he's not just a friend. Is there even such a man out there?
Signed,
Lost and Distraught Heart"
I’m sorry that you’re feeling lonely, LDH. You’ve asked a question that people have been asking for hundreds of years and what a lot of great literature is based on. Find Jane Austen in the library and see what I mean.
Finding someone good for you and somehow contriving to stay with him isn’t easy. But nothing in life matches the moment you're told from someone you love that he loves you. The pursuit of it will likely absorb your time and attention for many years to come. Here are a few guidelines:
First, shape people’s behavior towards you. In life, we teach people how to treat us. Think about this way, adults give the most responsibility to those students who act most responsibly. They pick juniors who already act like leaders to be senior leaders. If you look at it in reverse, students have shaped adults’ behavior to them by acting the way they want to be treated. The same works with relationships. If you behave like a fun and caring, passionate and clever girl, boys who are attracted to that will want to be with you. My observation is you do a good job of that already.
Second, stay optimistic. Dating can be hard and often it’s no fun when someone you want doesn’t want you or when you can’t find anyone to want. Even when all evidence points to the contrary or when you don't feel like it, stay optimistic. You are far more likely to find someone great that way. Boys can smell desperation from a mile away and will either run away from or take advantage of it.
Beyond that, you can’t “find” anyone. That’s the magic of romance, you can do all you can to be attractive, but it still takes another heart out there willing to take you in. That lack of control over such an important part of our lives is what makes dating so hard at times and what makes finding someone special so special. When you find him, I’ll be so very happy for you.
And you’re right: boys that are too good are annoying. They’re a little boring and it all seems so … inauthentic. So look for boys that are good but have a little mischievous streak in them. Flirt a little and have fun. But remember you learned in Health!
With love,
Edward
How do I find a guy that's good to me, but not so good that it's annoying, and good enough that he's not just a friend. Is there even such a man out there?
Signed,
Lost and Distraught Heart"
I’m sorry that you’re feeling lonely, LDH. You’ve asked a question that people have been asking for hundreds of years and what a lot of great literature is based on. Find Jane Austen in the library and see what I mean.
Finding someone good for you and somehow contriving to stay with him isn’t easy. But nothing in life matches the moment you're told from someone you love that he loves you. The pursuit of it will likely absorb your time and attention for many years to come. Here are a few guidelines:
First, shape people’s behavior towards you. In life, we teach people how to treat us. Think about this way, adults give the most responsibility to those students who act most responsibly. They pick juniors who already act like leaders to be senior leaders. If you look at it in reverse, students have shaped adults’ behavior to them by acting the way they want to be treated. The same works with relationships. If you behave like a fun and caring, passionate and clever girl, boys who are attracted to that will want to be with you. My observation is you do a good job of that already.
Second, stay optimistic. Dating can be hard and often it’s no fun when someone you want doesn’t want you or when you can’t find anyone to want. Even when all evidence points to the contrary or when you don't feel like it, stay optimistic. You are far more likely to find someone great that way. Boys can smell desperation from a mile away and will either run away from or take advantage of it.
Beyond that, you can’t “find” anyone. That’s the magic of romance, you can do all you can to be attractive, but it still takes another heart out there willing to take you in. That lack of control over such an important part of our lives is what makes dating so hard at times and what makes finding someone special so special. When you find him, I’ll be so very happy for you.
And you’re right: boys that are too good are annoying. They’re a little boring and it all seems so … inauthentic. So look for boys that are good but have a little mischievous streak in them. Flirt a little and have fun. But remember you learned in Health!
With love,
Edward
Essay From Edward: The Three Things You Must Do in Life
You must do three things in your life: fail a class, get your heart broken and get fired from a job.
You’ll learn that you survive failure. There’s a taboo against failure in our high-stakes society, a tendency to think of it as unacceptable and ruinous. But that’s why failing a class, getting your heart broken and getting fired from a job is so important. These events are incredibly painful, especially when we really wanted to succeed. They make you feel that YOU are a failure, not that you failed at SOMETHING. Afterwards you’ll realize that you’re still there, still OK, even with that F, even without that boy or girl, even without that job. But you won’t really know that until after you experience it.
You’ll begin to choose more wisely. From a very young age, you’re told by well-meaning parents that you can do whatever you want, if only you put your mind to it. That’s a crock. Most lawyers I know would have failed as doctors, even if they had “put their mind to it.” Most actors I know would have been terrible engineers and vice versa. We all have gifts and discovering where our gifts lay is part of our life’s work. Failing a class, getting your heart broken, or getting fired from a job means something about the situation was wrong. Even if we don’t want to admit it, we weren’t in the right place. Failure digs us out of our complacency and compels us to move towards our right place.
No one wants to experience those things, but to fear them may be worse. If you were successful all the time, what would you have learned about yourself? If you never took risks and only did things you were good at, what would you know how to do? Think of failure is part of your life’s work and learn from it. And for the folk curious about Edward Hicks, yes I've experienced two of the three.
You’ll learn that you survive failure. There’s a taboo against failure in our high-stakes society, a tendency to think of it as unacceptable and ruinous. But that’s why failing a class, getting your heart broken and getting fired from a job is so important. These events are incredibly painful, especially when we really wanted to succeed. They make you feel that YOU are a failure, not that you failed at SOMETHING. Afterwards you’ll realize that you’re still there, still OK, even with that F, even without that boy or girl, even without that job. But you won’t really know that until after you experience it.
You’ll begin to choose more wisely. From a very young age, you’re told by well-meaning parents that you can do whatever you want, if only you put your mind to it. That’s a crock. Most lawyers I know would have failed as doctors, even if they had “put their mind to it.” Most actors I know would have been terrible engineers and vice versa. We all have gifts and discovering where our gifts lay is part of our life’s work. Failing a class, getting your heart broken, or getting fired from a job means something about the situation was wrong. Even if we don’t want to admit it, we weren’t in the right place. Failure digs us out of our complacency and compels us to move towards our right place.
No one wants to experience those things, but to fear them may be worse. If you were successful all the time, what would you have learned about yourself? If you never took risks and only did things you were good at, what would you know how to do? Think of failure is part of your life’s work and learn from it. And for the folk curious about Edward Hicks, yes I've experienced two of the three.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
An Email Exchange with Edward: Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Dear Edward,
I'm not sure if you know this or not but M. broke up with me. I thought you should know if you didn't already find out.
I need him back so bad, Edward. I'm trying not to talk to him so much, I don't want to be a pest about everything. I just feel like he made a mistake though. Whether he actually made a mistake or not, he's not himself right now. Do you think his mom got to him (she never liked me). What has he told you about it?
--Out of my Mind
Dear OOMM,
yes, i heard and i've been thinking about you since. i'm really sorry to hear that and i don't know what comfort i can provide, but want you to know if you need something, please ask.
Nobody "got" to anyone, OOMM; M. made his own decision and he's responsible for it. Your job right now is to focus on yourself. I know that seems impossibly difficult right now, but you need to concentrate on taking care of yourself: eating right, trying to sleep, getting your work done as best you can. Also, this is a time to lean on your friends; as you would for them, they'll leap to support you.
having someone you love break up with you is one of the hardest things in life; you won't feel much worse than this, ever. but you're going to have to be resilient. right now, there's not much you can do to get him back but there's plenty that you can do to drive him away.
with love,
Edward
(a couple days later)
dear edward,
i'm doing a lot better than i was. for the first 3 days i wasn't eating or sleeping, and i couldn't keep my mind on anything but M.. we had a soccer game the day after he broke up with me and i was yelled at by the ref multiple times, he told me to "calm down" because i was being "too aggressive", haha. ive realized recently that i have amazing friends who can do just as much, if not more, to keep me happy. before the breakup i was completely unaware of how many of my friends are truly there for me. i would say right now my friendships with people are at their peak. i've also made a lot more friends.
thank you, OOMM
Dear OOMM,
i'm so glad. the ancient greeks described being in love as being possessed, literally, so i can totally imagine you in that soccer game, running around like a madwoman :) and when these things happen, you can do all sorts of self-destructive things, like sleep with the wrong person, binge drink, etc. so i'm glad you're avoiding that. and when you're down, you discover the deep resevoirs of support from friends that you never would have without the breakup. you've been "held", as the quakers say. good stuff.
with love,
Edward
I'm not sure if you know this or not but M. broke up with me. I thought you should know if you didn't already find out.
I need him back so bad, Edward. I'm trying not to talk to him so much, I don't want to be a pest about everything. I just feel like he made a mistake though. Whether he actually made a mistake or not, he's not himself right now. Do you think his mom got to him (she never liked me). What has he told you about it?
--Out of my Mind
Dear OOMM,
yes, i heard and i've been thinking about you since. i'm really sorry to hear that and i don't know what comfort i can provide, but want you to know if you need something, please ask.
Nobody "got" to anyone, OOMM; M. made his own decision and he's responsible for it. Your job right now is to focus on yourself. I know that seems impossibly difficult right now, but you need to concentrate on taking care of yourself: eating right, trying to sleep, getting your work done as best you can. Also, this is a time to lean on your friends; as you would for them, they'll leap to support you.
having someone you love break up with you is one of the hardest things in life; you won't feel much worse than this, ever. but you're going to have to be resilient. right now, there's not much you can do to get him back but there's plenty that you can do to drive him away.
with love,
Edward
(a couple days later)
dear edward,
i'm doing a lot better than i was. for the first 3 days i wasn't eating or sleeping, and i couldn't keep my mind on anything but M.. we had a soccer game the day after he broke up with me and i was yelled at by the ref multiple times, he told me to "calm down" because i was being "too aggressive", haha. ive realized recently that i have amazing friends who can do just as much, if not more, to keep me happy. before the breakup i was completely unaware of how many of my friends are truly there for me. i would say right now my friendships with people are at their peak. i've also made a lot more friends.
thank you, OOMM
Dear OOMM,
i'm so glad. the ancient greeks described being in love as being possessed, literally, so i can totally imagine you in that soccer game, running around like a madwoman :) and when these things happen, you can do all sorts of self-destructive things, like sleep with the wrong person, binge drink, etc. so i'm glad you're avoiding that. and when you're down, you discover the deep resevoirs of support from friends that you never would have without the breakup. you've been "held", as the quakers say. good stuff.
with love,
Edward
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Closing speech from Edward: Six Important Messages
I want to start by reading a story that was in the news last month.
“On May 15, New Zealand climber Mark Inglis became the first double amputee to reach the summit of the world's highest mountain, Mount Everest. But praise for his achievement cooled after revelations that on his ascent, Inglis and his team passed a dying climber and left him to die alone. They came across stricken British climber David Sharp 300 metres from the summit. Mr Sharp had been on his way down the mountain alone when he ran out of oxygen. Inglis' team gave Mr Sharp oxygen and radioed his position to base camp, but then pushed on for the peak. In his defence, Mr Inglis says as many as 40 other climbers passed Mr Sharp, and that his team - the first - was the only to stop and help.
Mr Sharp later died. His body remains on the mountain.”
Since then, a passionate debate has ensued about the ethics of the Everest ascent. Many climbers defended themselves. One climber wrote on a website: "Stop making judgments about events in an environment in which you have no experience. Everyone heading to Everest is aware of the risks, and yes, many should not attempt this feat. Those that head up the mountain are responsible for their decision to climb." Ingles himself that his conscience was clean and he could sleep soundly at night because he knew that there was nothing he could do to save the dying Sharp.
Needless to say, this story relates to so many of the themes that we have studied this year. No doubt, I’m sure some Essential Questions come to mind when hearing this story, like what are our responsibilities to others? and who do we care for? I’m not sure how those climbers feel about their decision to bypass David Sharp both on the way up and on the way down, but to me, that decision is that height of narcissism, the inability to care about anyone aside from oneself. Expedition companies charge up to $65,000 for the three weeks it takes to escort climbers to Everest and for many, that sort of time and expense means keeping ones eye on the prize. If each individual climber that saw David Sharp on the mountain stopped and held his/her own private meeting for worship, would he/she have chosen to continue walking? What would you have done? Another Everest story made the news only this week. American team abandoned their three-week quest just a few hundred meters from the top to aid and ultimately rescue Australian climber Lincoln Hall, who had been left behind to die by his own team.
In your life, you’ll be constantly faced with choices, big and small. Who we are is defined is by the choices we make. To say it another way, we are, more so than the color of our skin, more so than the nation we live in, the sum total of our choices. I believe that years from now those climbers who stopped for Lincoln Hall will be proud to tell their children of their decision to stop to save someone’s life instead of reaching the summit. Will those who passed David Sharp say the same? Will you be proud to tell your children of the choices you made? The question I leave you with from Nancy Starmer’s speech in assembly: What type of person do you want to be? Did you make time to listen into the Silence, deep within your heart and let it compel you to truth and love?
According to Quaker writer John Calvi, there are only six important messages a person can give to someone else. They are:
1. I love you.
2. Thank you.
3. I’m sorry.
4. I need help.
5. That’s not good enough.
6. No.
Thinking over the course of this year, I realize that I have often said the last two, that’s not good enough and no. I want to end the year by saying the first two, I love you and thank you.
“On May 15, New Zealand climber Mark Inglis became the first double amputee to reach the summit of the world's highest mountain, Mount Everest. But praise for his achievement cooled after revelations that on his ascent, Inglis and his team passed a dying climber and left him to die alone. They came across stricken British climber David Sharp 300 metres from the summit. Mr Sharp had been on his way down the mountain alone when he ran out of oxygen. Inglis' team gave Mr Sharp oxygen and radioed his position to base camp, but then pushed on for the peak. In his defence, Mr Inglis says as many as 40 other climbers passed Mr Sharp, and that his team - the first - was the only to stop and help.
Mr Sharp later died. His body remains on the mountain.”
Since then, a passionate debate has ensued about the ethics of the Everest ascent. Many climbers defended themselves. One climber wrote on a website: "Stop making judgments about events in an environment in which you have no experience. Everyone heading to Everest is aware of the risks, and yes, many should not attempt this feat. Those that head up the mountain are responsible for their decision to climb." Ingles himself that his conscience was clean and he could sleep soundly at night because he knew that there was nothing he could do to save the dying Sharp.
Needless to say, this story relates to so many of the themes that we have studied this year. No doubt, I’m sure some Essential Questions come to mind when hearing this story, like what are our responsibilities to others? and who do we care for? I’m not sure how those climbers feel about their decision to bypass David Sharp both on the way up and on the way down, but to me, that decision is that height of narcissism, the inability to care about anyone aside from oneself. Expedition companies charge up to $65,000 for the three weeks it takes to escort climbers to Everest and for many, that sort of time and expense means keeping ones eye on the prize. If each individual climber that saw David Sharp on the mountain stopped and held his/her own private meeting for worship, would he/she have chosen to continue walking? What would you have done? Another Everest story made the news only this week. American team abandoned their three-week quest just a few hundred meters from the top to aid and ultimately rescue Australian climber Lincoln Hall, who had been left behind to die by his own team.
In your life, you’ll be constantly faced with choices, big and small. Who we are is defined is by the choices we make. To say it another way, we are, more so than the color of our skin, more so than the nation we live in, the sum total of our choices. I believe that years from now those climbers who stopped for Lincoln Hall will be proud to tell their children of their decision to stop to save someone’s life instead of reaching the summit. Will those who passed David Sharp say the same? Will you be proud to tell your children of the choices you made? The question I leave you with from Nancy Starmer’s speech in assembly: What type of person do you want to be? Did you make time to listen into the Silence, deep within your heart and let it compel you to truth and love?
According to Quaker writer John Calvi, there are only six important messages a person can give to someone else. They are:
1. I love you.
2. Thank you.
3. I’m sorry.
4. I need help.
5. That’s not good enough.
6. No.
Thinking over the course of this year, I realize that I have often said the last two, that’s not good enough and no. I want to end the year by saying the first two, I love you and thank you.
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